The Adventures of Charlie & Lois

Mark & I were sitting on the front porch yesterday morning, sipping coffee.  We have a neighbor, Charlie, two doors down, who we have met a few other mornings sitting out there with our coffee.  We have yet to meet Lois, but feel like we know her rather well from the stories.  This morning he stopped to chat for a while.  My sides were aching after so much laughter when he left a while later.  They have been married for 45 years and I have to assume that they have a great relationship to last for all that time, but he is a hoot when he talks about her.

Mark says, "Charlie, after all those years of marriage, that qualifies you to write a book!"  With out skipping a beat, Charlie replies, "Yes, and it would be called Naked and Dead."

He says that he hates to ride with her.  Riding to her doctor's appointment 7 miles away, he says he has to pull the carpet down from under neath the dash because she is pushing on her "breaks" so hard.  He says that she is always saying, "Watch out, he's not going to stop!" or "There's a bottle neck up ahead, I can just see it" or "You need to turn here!".  The funny part about all this, she doesn't have her driver's license.  He said he has encouraged her many times to get it, "It would be easier to just let her drive," he says, "But if she did have her license, she'd be in prison for road rage."  And in his Lois voice he says, "Charlie, why didn't you blow your horn at that car, I would have!" and "Charlie, why did you let him cut you off, I wouldn't do that!"  And then he adds, "Well, if she was in prison, I'd have that other car that I wanted that she wouldn't let me have!"

They have a beautiful lawn with pretty flowers and shrubs, all well groomed.  He says that he likes to work outside with her, as long as she is in the back and he is in the front.  He says that when she comes out front, he goes out back.  Then he uses a high pitched voice, obviously mimicking Lois, "Cut this shorter, but not short like that one over there!"  "You put those flowers over here, they were supposed to go over there!" "Water those flowers more, they aren't getting enough water!".

At this point, Mark and I are laughing so hard, the tears start to come.  I think Charlie is enjoying this a bit too much.  He finishes his monologue by saying, "That is why I go to work, retirement is nice, but 24 hours a day with that woman is too much!"

I'm thinking I need to bake cookies and take them over to her just so I can meet this lady that has put up with this comedian for the past 45 years.

One thing I know for sure is that there will be more Charlie and Lois stories to share in the following months.